back in 2018.
I was recently separated. In desperate need of deep healing. Years of childhood abandonment and sexual abuse led me to decades of dissociation, disconnection and dis-ease. I was not in my body. At times, even my tantric/sacred sexuality education and meditation practice aided in my disembodiment. Using it often as a way to push through, distract and numb under the guise of "higher" pursuits. Many times my pussy and my womb were only there to support my pleasure. And if she didn't comply, I shamed her. I would feel frustrated at her lack of interest and annoyed at times at her intense all-consuming interest. I would feel resentful at her inconsistency around everything... not being able to orgasm when I wanted, how I wanted; not releasing an egg or shedding uterine lining when science said she "should", etc. And unfortunately like many of us, I drugged her with synthetic hormones for a decade and medicated her immediately at the tiniest onset of discomfort during my period, inserting tampons (and later menstrual cups) to avoid any inconvenience. Any education. Any connection.
that summer.
Shortly after the passing of my uncle, I started to undergo a massive consciousness shift (completely unsolicited) that until this day, I can only describe as a kundalini "awakening". This experience resulted in over a year of heart chakra activations, increased psychic awareness, and Shamanic initiation.
Amidst all of this was an experience I will never forget. At the time, it was so insignificant. I sat down one evening in front of my altar (as I routinely do) to meditate and found myself (involuntarily) in a Shamanic journey. Spirit was guiding me into a confrontation with my abuser. I've done this consciously a few times, usually under the suggestion of my therapist, but this time was incredibly different. This time I was connected, anchored and alive, reclaiming my womb, and befriending all her pain. This confrontation led to another and another and another - ushering in waves of defensiveness, assertiveness, immense grief, reclamation and acceptance - until there was simply no more. I remember floating in the vastness, the void, awaiting the next task. The next battle.
and then I felt her.
My womb just broke free. Unshackling from all that came before. Blossoming, unfurling in all directions. She wasn't expansive... she was the expanse. Wild and free. Untamed. Nourished. Loved. Seen. Held.
I want this for you.
And more.
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